While the following story is fictitious, the questions and answers are real.

1.)START
2.)RESTORE
3.)QUIT

>start

Tonight’s the big night. You’ve sent out fifteen invitations to various members of your community, and now it’s time to get to know them. You rented a cottage at the end of the road for the occasion, since your house is no bigger than a shack, and you’re fine with that because the last thing you want is for fifteen people you don’t know to cram onto your dinky little couch for three hours and then leave the place smelling like ash.

You chose the cottage because it was the largest structure in the neighborhood, but you’ve never been inside, nor have you seen a floor plan. As the party host it would’ve been wise to scout the rooms first, but you decided not to decorate or cater the party ahead of time, because you didn’t want to enter the house before the appropriate time, believing it to be haunted, and you didn’t want to see the walls bleed behind the punchbowl or the Jell-O shot tray.You also thought it would’ve been more interesting to see what the community members brought with them to the party, and anything extra would’ve just been a distraction.

-OUTSIDE-

The sun has fallen and a two-story cottage stands before you. Its Victorian Era design puts you in a momentary trance, but the scent of mothballs brings you back to reality. The porch looks rotted, but you don’t mind because you don’t plan to host the party anywhere near it.

Parked in the driveway, you climb out of your car. You can hear music coming from inside. The entrance is to the north. The street is to the east. There’s a wishing well to the west.

There’s a floating fish next to the well. He looks ill. He is hunched over the brick surface and staring into the hole. His bloodshot eyes bulge from above his head.

>examine fish

The fish is hunched over. His eyes are weary and something crusty flakes around his mouth. His name tag reads: “Surlaw.”

The fish vomits into the well. You think he might be sick.

>west

The wishing well blocks your progress. And you don’t mind; there’s nothing but a giant hill and a highway overpass beyond it. 

>greet Surlaw

The fish waves at you, but seems more interested in cleaning out his stomach.

>inventory

You are carrying:

-A list of random questions
-Your car keys
-A napkin

>ask Surlaw question

The fish shakes his head. It seems that he is too embarrassed to speak at the moment.

>give Surlaw napkin

You remove the napkin from your pocket and hand it to the fish. The fish graciously accepts your gift and uses it to wipe the corners of his mouth.

>ask Surlaw question

You pull out your list of random questions and highlight “number four.” You’re anxious to find out what he’s thinking, but at the same time feel badly for imposing given his situation. You ask him the question anyway. How else will you get to know him?

4. In your worst nightmare, you’re given a Scantron exam for a class you never took. What subject is the exam and what is your logic in answering the questions?

The fish clears his throat. It sounds like another wave of illness is approaching. You shield your face in case he fails to aim at the well. Then he answers:

“Hey, I've done that before. Rather than speak from the hypothetical, I'll speak from experience. It was 2002, and the class was a college Calculus class that I had no preparation for (having no option to take Pre-Calc in high school) and by the end never went to. It was the only math available to me aside from "Applied Math for Living Skills," which I thought sounded pointless and horribly easy (I'd take it the next year and be proven right), and you were assumed to have already had a basis in Calculus before taking it. I didn't know this, struggled through on the days that I actually went, and when exam time came, I failed it gloriously. My grades that semester were four As and an F. I even got sent to academic counseling for it! Anyway, that was a stupid idea. Did I have any logic for answering the questions? Probably. Whatever it was, it didn't work. Don't do this.”

The fish wipes his mouth and then goes back to vomiting into the well.

Gained 1 conversation point. Score: 1 out of 15

>enter cottage

Moving north past the rotting porch.

-VESTIBULE-

A narrow passage stretches away from you.

This is the hub of the cottage, the room from where all other rooms branch. Rickety stairs climb to the second floor. Five doors surround the hall, two for the west wall, one for the other walls. The eastern exit stands at the foot of the stairs. You can hear some trip-hop tunes floating in from the other side. The north door squeezes between the stairs and the west wall. The western exit farthest from you is open. The one nearer to you is closed. Standing in the middle of it all leaves you disoriented.

There’s a table here.

>examine table

It’s an old end table used for decorating the otherwise empty hall.

>examine door

That’s a bit vague, isn’t it? All the doors are made of wood. What are you, some kind of carpenter? A door expert? Get over yourself, Columbo.

>open door

The closet door is locked.

>unlock door

With what?

>open table

The table doesn’t open. It’s just there for decoration, after all.

>kick door

The cottage is old enough. Adding extra force against any of its parts might cause it to fall down on top of you. You probably shouldn’t do that.

>knock on door

The handle shakes and the door swings open. You see a man with a giant letter “F” on his shirt hiding behind a series of coats. You think his name is “Momoka.”

>greet Momoka

The man waves from behind a hunter’s jacket.

“Hi,” he says. “Don’t mind me. I just released my 8-bit game to the community yesterday and am still dealing with the aftermath.”

>ask Momoka question

You pull out your list of random questions and highlight “number one.” You feel bad about inviting him after a self-imposed public embarrassment, but realize that all wounds must heal, and that sooner or later he has to rejoin the social circle. You hope your question will nudge him in the right direction:

1. If you were given unlimited funds to develop a new kind of dish that has never been made before, how would you make it and what would you call it?

Momoka looks both ways from behind the hunter’s jacket, and then whispers his answer. He delivers it so fast that it seems he had already spent some time thinking about it.

"If I had infinite time and resources, I'd make a sandwich. First, I'd get the wheat seeds, then I'd plant them and hire some illegal immigrants to plow my fields. I'd grow peanuts while reading Peanuts collections. The grape jelly I don't actually know how to make, except that it presumably involves grapes.

“So, while the wheat was growing, I'd wander Asia becoming a master of martial arts. I'd return home and become a costumed avenger, using fear as my greatest weapon, ever so slightly beating out my collection of novelty boomerangs. Over time, I'd cultivate one of the greatest collections of villains to exist in any medium. Eventually, I'd gain an adversary who also used fear, through a hallucinogenic gas. I'd steal the gas, and use it to turn civilians' legs to jelly in fear. Then I'd steal the jelly, mix it was grapes, and have grape jelly for my sandwich."

You smile as you finish waiting for his answer. Then, when you realize he’s finished--which is apparent after he starts licking his lips to his own invention--you close the closet door for fear that he might try to hit you with a hidden sandwich.

Gained 1 conversation point. Score: 2 out of 15

>north

-KITCHEN-

It’s tight, with marble floor and wooden counters pulling life into an otherwise empty void. A prep table stands in the middle, with a rack of cooking pots hanging overhead. The refrigerator and gas range are both dusty. There are exits to the east, west, and north.

A ghost stands next to the prep table wielding a kitchen knife. It slices up some carrots.

“You have one action point,” says the ghost.

>examine ghost

The ghost has feet, so you question whether it’s really a ghost. And it holds the knife with white paws.

“My turn,” says the ghost.

The ghost exits the kitchen to the west.

>look

-KITCHEN-

It’s tight, with marble floor and wooden counters pulling life into an otherwise empty void. A prep table stands in the middle, with a rack of cooking pots hanging overhead. The refrigerator and gas range are both dusty. There are exits to the east, west, and north.

There are some chopped carrots on the prep table.

>get carrots

Taken.

>west

-DINING ROOM-

Perhaps one of the great meeting halls of the neighborhood in decades or centuries past, this possibly once grandiose room is nothing more than a den of despair and empty stomachs today.

A blanket covers much of the furniture in this room, but you can make out the outlines of an old dining table, large enough to seat twelve, some china cabinets, an artist’s bust bulging from the center of the table, and a large chair resting in the corner of the room. There are exits to the east and the south.

A ghost dances on the table next to the bust. It wields a kitchen knife.

“You have one action point,” says the ghost.

>ask ghost question

“That requires two action points,” says the ghost.

“My turn.”

The ghost jumps off the table and runs south.

>south

-LIBRARY-

You almost sneeze when you enter the cobweb stricken lair of ancient textbooks and Victorian classics. You think the world was still at war the last time this room was used.

Several shelves full of old books stack in a straight line across the floor. A couple leather sofas--perhaps the most modern addition to the room--set in adjacent corners to the southwest. And old plant is dead in the opposite corner and is unfit even for the maggots. Exits are to the north and the east.

There is a young, skinny guy reading a book in one hand and twirling a spoon in the other. A layer of dust covers his face, probably from turning more than one page. He appears bored by what he’s reading. His nametag says “Spoonweaver.”

A ghost runs up and down the center aisle waving a kitchen knife in the air.

“You have one action point,” says the ghost.

>give carrots to ghost

You try to hand the carrots to the ghost, but the ghost treats it like a hostile gesture.

“You dare attack me?”

“My turn.”

The ghost hurls the kitchen knife at you, but it hits the wall and tumbles to the floor instead.

“I’m out of action points,” says the ghost. “Your turn.”

“You have one action point.”

>get knife

Taken.

“My turn.”

The ghost, unarmed, runs north and disappears into the next room.

>look

-LIBRARY-

Several shelves full of old books stack in a straight line across the floor. A couple leather sofas--perhaps the most modern addition to the room--set in adjacent corners to the southwest. And old plant is dead in the opposite corner and is unfit even for the maggots. Exits are to the north and the east.

There is a young, skinny guy reading a book in one hand and twirling a spoon in the other. A layer of dust covers his face, probably from turning more than one page. He appears bored by what he’s reading. His nametag says “Spoonweaver.”

>greet Spoonweaver

He looks up, nods at you, but says nothing. A cloud of dust floats off his nose.

>examine Spoonweaver

He is twirling a spoon between his fingers. And he’s reading a book that he clearly doesn’t care about.

>examine book

It’s old, probably something that he read in high school.

>get book

Spoonweaver almost lets you have it, but then realizes he’ll be stuck with nothing to do if he passes it over, so he declines.

>get spoon

You reach for his spoon, but he thumps you over the head with it.

>ask Spoonweaver question

Spoonweaver holds up the book.

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” he asks.

>get book

Spoonweaver almost lets you have it, but then realizes he’ll be stuck with nothing to do if he passes it over, so he declines.

>kick Spoonweaver

Such hostility, and so unprofessional. You miss your target and kick the couch instead.

>give carrots to Spoonweaver

He doesn’t seem interested in vegetables.

>give knife to Spoonweaver

You brandish the kitchen knife, but Spoonweaver takes it as a threat and runs, leaving the book behind. He exits to the east.

>look

-LIBRARY-

Several shelves full of old books stack in a straight line across the floor. A couple leather sofas--perhaps the most modern addition to the room--set in adjacent corners to the southwest. And old plant is dead in the opposite corner and is unfit even for the maggots. Exits are to the north and the east.

There’s a book lying opened on the sofa.

>get book

Taken.

>east

-VESTIBULE-

A narrow passage stretches away from you. The sounds of trip-hop pour in from the east.

Spoonweaver sits on the stairs, twirling his spoon. He is clearly bored now that he has nothing to do.

>ask Spoonweaver question

You pull out your list of random questions and highlight “number nine.” You feel like you should be sorry for scaring the daylights out of him, but you don’t. At least now he doesn’t have some old book making you less important.

9. You made $1000 this month but your bills total $1200. According to your bank account, you can’t cover the difference. What do you do?

Spoonweaver scratches his chin with his spoon.

“Oh, this has happened before (though, not the exact amounts). What I did was; I went to the bank and overdrew my account. This creates an overdraft fee of 35 dollars which is much smaller than the late fees of all of my bills combined (that's about $150). I did this in the hopes that I'd make up the difference later, but honestly it's not a good thing to practice since that's how one gets into debt, but, I always did it (it's happened more then once). I always did it with plans for the future in order to not fall into crushing debt. Which, I'm not in. These plans include(d), working part time as an on call computer repair guy, selling something on eBay, cutting back on electricity, water or even food for next month's bills, and, as a last ditch effort, borrowing money from my mom.
 
“Anyways, it's been a while since this has happened, and now it most likely won't happen again in the near future because my bills are being cut almost in half. This is because I'm moving in with my girlfriend Kelley, whom I love.

“So, I hope that answers your intrusive question, and I hope you were all entertained by my answers to financial burden.”

Spoonweaver smiles. It seems that he’s warming up to the idea of being here, like conversation is more interesting than books or spoons. Satisfied, he climbs off the stairs and exits to the room to the east.

Gained 1 conversation point. Score: 3 out of 15

>east

-LIVING ROOM-

A wide, earthy area with leather couches and recliners. It is the one of the few rooms in the cottage that seems to progress with the times. A French window covers the south wall, letting in the rich, grassy aromas from outside. A widescreen television mounts the wall to the west, and a stereo takes up a corner to the north. The television is off. The stereo pumps the lifeblood of trip-hop into the room. There are exits to the north and the west.

In the middle of the room you see him: The “Life of the Party,” the father of the OHR subculture sitting there in his blue smoking jacket, one leg crossed, arms splayed across the back of the couch, and a small hamster resting on his shoulders blowing some bubbles. People surround him as he recounts the story of the day he found his beloved pet fighting off a group of “Plips” with a hammer.

>examine James Paige

He sits on the couch recounting tales of forgotten journeys. Someone asks him about a can of SPAM and he merely laughs. There’s a hamster on his shoulder blowing bubbles.

>get hamster

The “Life of the Party” shakes his head as you reach out for the hamster. You politely retreat. Clearly this hamster belongs to him.

>greet James

The Life of the Party tips his hat to you.

>ask James question

“I’m in a discussion,” he says. “But my hamster is hungry, and I will gladly answer you if you bring him something to eat.”

>give carrots to hamster

The hamster blows a bubble around the carrots and then pounces on them. The carrots fall to the floor, defeated. He devours the carrots one nibble at a time.

>ask James question

You pull out your list of random questions and highlight “number five.” You feel awkward bringing up the question, but then you remember everyone at the party is entitled to one, so you ask anyway.

5. You were just informed that boxers and briefs no longer exist. What will you wear now and why?

The “Life of the Party” ponders the question a moment. Then he answers:

“Profound. The question, ‘Boxers or Briefs’ presumes that those are the only two choices. indeed, to the modern man who goes shopping for undergarments, those do really seem to be the only two available choices. Even less common variations such as long johns or speedos are really just variations on either the boxer or brief model.

“However, both Boxers and Briefs are actually products of the 20th century. If you lived in the middle ages, you might have been asked whether you prefer ‘Braies or Codpieces?’. But the most fundamental unit of undergarments is the Loincloth. Various versions of the Loincloth have been in use throughout all of recorded history. The oldest Loincloths known to archeology are some 7000 years old.

“The Loincloth is not just the garment you see Tarzan of the Jungle wearing. it is a simple and versatile category of proto-garment which consists of a single piece of cloth which can be folded, wrapped, and tied in any of a myriad of different ways.

“So my answer is the Loincloth. If Boxers and Briefs suddenly ceased to exist, the Loincloth would remain.”

You ponder his thoughtful answer and the Life of the Party ponders back. And in the process of all the pondering, the remaining guests decide to ponder his answer in other parts of the house, so the crowd disperses into other rooms.

Once the stampede clears, you find the Life of the Party sitting on the couch alone pondering his thoughts as he stares out the window.

Spoonweaver is also here, twirling his spoon underneath the dead widescreen television.

Gained 1 conversation point. Score: 4 out of 15

>SAVE

Do you wish to save your game (Y or N)?

>Y

Enter filename.

>MIXER1

Game saved.

>QUIT

Do you wish to exit “The Community Mixer” (Y or N)?

>Y

Thank you for playing. But don’t leave the party for long. There are still plenty of community members waiting to reveal their thoughts to the unsuspecting public.