Shiny but Rusty #2
A Feature by Meatballsub

Welcome back to Shiny but Rusty, a multi-volume article where I take a look at games, both old and new, that have never been reviewed, and offer my opinion on each of them. Some of the content may be long, some short, but the ultimate purpose is to review non-reviewed games regardless of their state.

If you are new to the series, you may want to check out the first one here because this article will follow the same format as its predecessor.

Fourth Place - Will Mr. Bacon Ever Win?
by Pimpin Fool
Download Here

You may ask yourself some questions before starting this game; How good could a game starring a strip of bacon be? Why am I playing a game about bacon at all? Some people may think the idea is rad, but Mr. Bacon is such an abomination of a game that you will never want to see or hear about bacon again. You might not even want to eat bacon ever again.

The author holds nothing back in making this game terrible, even from the very beginning. I unzipped the file and went to start playing it, discovering that it was nowhere to be found. Inspecting the file further I discovered that it was not even an RPG file. I had to manually add the .RPG extension before I could even start playing it. Very promising...

Mr. Bacon must traverse the land and do stuff. Nothing really makes sense so don't even bother trying to understand the story with bacon. Not five seconds after you start your path, you are greeted with threats of a virus and foul language. In addition, Mr. Bacon disappears and is nowhere to be found. You might think that this is the end of the game. Lord, I hoped it was, but alas, pressing enter caused Bacon to spawn once more to continue down the treacherous path to...somewhere.

For being only minutes long, this game can be very disturbing and vulgar. Good thing that there are church-going, multi-colored blocks that will not curse at you. You should also notice some of the disturbing combat graphics (I'll leave it at that). To make matters worse, the music is incredibly annoying and most of the map causes you to get into a enemy encounter each and every step. My advice would be to run from most, if not all, fights and mute your sound.

Speaking of fights, they are not balanced at all and are a complete waste of your time. Attacking most enemies cause two or more additional enemies to spawn, making it near impossible to beat even one encounter. Not to mention the "final" boss evades all attacks and spawns another "final" boss after evasion.

So, will Mr. Bacon ever win? Probably not. Mr. Bacon is a weak, perverted fool that will never go far in life (or in his own demented game).

Garbage like this is best kept in the family. If trash talk, perverted bacon, and combat penises are your sort of thing.

Third Place - Mr. Pog
by Unicon
Download Here 

As a kid growing up in the 90s, I went through the Pog phase like many others did. Needless to say I wasn't too sure what to expect here.

Mr. Pog plays hero in the typical save the land from the evil kingdom story, and remains plain and simple throughout the game. NPCs rarely have anything to say, and there is not much exploring to do besides the default path that keep the plot ball rolling. You are told at the very beginning that you are there to save the land, but I felt pretty helpless the entire time. Considering people wouldn't talk back to me and there weren't any foes to fend off (except a few random battles and the final encounter), I wouldn't call that saving the world. You don't have to buy restorative items or rest at an Inn for that matter, because you will rarely take damage and Pog is a freaking beast in battle. All of this, however, changes when you face the final boss, who apparently dodges 99% of your attacks. Yeah, good luck with that one. You may want to cheat like me and just press F4 to continue the story.

On top of the terrible gameplay and bland story, the dialogue is riddled with spelling errors and the music had to have been placed by a deaf person (no offense). I will admit that I was a bit freaked out when I made it to the Pog battlefield and there were millions of dead, bloody pogs everywhere. Unfortunately though, the fun ends with the excessive use of Pog blood and gore and the boulder maze in that one forest that lasts three seconds.

Mr. Pog is a classic example of a crap game, and one that wasn't made that way intentionally or to be a joke. Someone, somewhere, is proud of Mr. Pog. That same person could very well be taking care of me on my death bed years down the road. That is scary.

Second Place - Resident Evil's Operation: Rageing Cheetah
by A Stoki
Download Here

It's generally not a good idea to make a spin-off game from a well known game series. In my experience, most of them turn out to be total crap. Rageing Cheetah is no different than the other spin-off titles that have failed to meet even a decent game's standards.

To be completely honest, there is not much to this game. Part of the story, which involves the Resident Evil company Umbrella and a new company Zentech fighting for the ultimate bio-weapon, is briefly laid out by Al Gore himself in the prologue. After that, your Umbrella team sets out to find the latest and greatest bio-weapon. Other than exploring for a few minutes, there is nothing left to do.

After playing the game, I am very confused of why it was made. At first glance, with the Al Gore cameos, buggy areas and terrible spelling, it seems like a joke game. However, some of the graphics show some signs of potential. The author would likely not care what his work looked like if it wasn't going to be taken seriously in the first place. Then again, people are crazy and you never know what they may do.

Again, there really isn't enough here to even call this a demo. In its current state, I would call it very incomplete. The fact that it was last updated in 2001 means that it will probably stay in its unfinished state forever.

First Place - Super Aztec RPG: The Golden Skull
by Vegeta007
Download Here

I thought that an Aztec/Mayan themed OHR game would pretty sweet. I had high hopes for this game, although in the back of my mind I knew that there was a reason why it had never been talked about before.

Upon loading it up...yep, that is why. The very first thing you see are ripped maptiles, which doesn't seem very promising. Disgusted already, I decided to truck on and see what the game was all about. Your task is to find a Golden Skull, but I do believe that it is impossible given the current state of the game. However, you can go left to meet your friend and slay some Spaniards, right to view an unfinished trading area that reminded me of Secret of Evermore, and south to play the never-ending mini-game called "Headball".

Headball is very simple; you pelt the opposing team (who also has an unfair 3:1 advantage to you) and then you hit the ball into the "goal" enemy. I suppose this would have worked alright, but it seems as if the game never ends. You miss 90% of your shots, and I went a good ten minutes against the "goal" without being able to "win" or defeat it. I wasn't going to waste anymore time with it, so I decided to run. Too bad I couldn't run, which meant I had to terminate GAME.exe manually.

Unfortunately, this is just another incomplete title that should have never been released in the first place. I commend the author for trying to throw some different gameplay mechanics into the mix, since they were half-butted attempts though it just made the game worse. I still think a Mayan/Indian/Aztec game would be killer though. With that being said, this was my favorite title of the four because I felt it had the most potential. Use of mini-games, a trading post, and a different theme would have made it a neat little game if it were ever finished.

Some of you might be a bit disappointed after reading this article. Why would you review such terrible and incomplete games? First, I pick the titles at random. You never know what kind of game I may find to review. Also, I feel I should stress the idea behind Shiny but Rusty again. I strongly feel that every game should have a review, regardless of its state and condition. That means that I may come across many that have the same characteristics of the games above, but I will still review them. Sure, I would like to always have titles that I can write pages about, but that is not always the case. The bottom line is that I will keep reviewing games, both old and new, regardless of their content. Some games, if not many, will be duds. Then again, some of them could be gems. Stay tuned to next month's article to learn of my newest OHR findings.