Light in the Dark
A Terrible Game Review by Paul Harrington
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You know you're in for a quality experience when a game's entire description is, "I don't plan to do anything else with this...but it looks so cool I just had to put it on here..."

If your entire selling point is that your game looks cool, make sure it looks slightly cooler than this:

The game begins with our hero, Lennox, sitting on a wall enjoying a cigarette before he's interrupted by a gang of punks. Now, this certainly has all sorts of potential for cool, but it belongs in a brawler, not an unbearably slow moving turn-based RPG. If the writing contained any kind of humor, or if the writer's skills were even slightly above "drunken chimp," we might still have something worth looking at. Alas;

I think these speak for themselves well enough.

After killing the lead punk with second-hand smoke, Lennox is attacked by his goons. This battle cannot be won through any legitimate means, but thankfully, holding Escape and running away slays your foes in this dark, disturbing universe.

After bragging about running like a coward, Lennox decides he needs to go buy some more cigarettes. I assume he needs to calm his nerves after running from people who could kill him in an instant. We now get to see that our hero has the daintiest walk in any OHR RPG, as he strolls down the alley flicking his wrist from side to side. Along the way, you will be attacked by random goons, and if you are attacked by more than one at a time you'll have no choice but to run again. Lennox, you're a real hero. If you find a lone roaming goon, you can kill him for minimal experience points and possibly cigarettes, which restore your health. Be warned, though, that it is likely for the player to die of old age if he is willing to actually fight the battles in this game, as they are absurdly frequent and unbearably slow. If you think pressing "attack," waiting 45 seconds, and pressing "attack" again is fun, you've found your game! You're also psychotic.

I'm also sorry to say that Lennox cannot actually enter any of the buildings in the wonderfully named "Cancer City," an ironic name since in this universe smoking heals you (unless blown into your face by another person, in which case you're instantly dead).

On the edge of town, you'll find a man in a brown trenchcoat who offers to sell you drugs but then changes his mind when he finds out you're only sixteen. Also, I'm pretty sure that chainsmoking bad-asses who hang out in alleyways beating the hell out of mohawked punks wouldn't sneak around asking to buy pot when mommy isn't looking, but again, "drunken chimp."

It turns out the man in brown functions as a shop, and "weed" restores "skill." Of course, being a Terrible Game, your character has no skills, and you can only use this shop once, even though the NPC remains. I'm sure you eventually gain a few useless skills that do the same amount of damage as your standard attack, but I'm not stupid enough to keep fighting these wretchedly bad fights to find out.

At this point, there's nothing else to do but waste away in an endless cycle of punching punks for cigarettes and running when you're outnumbered. There's nowhere else to go, and none of the doors work. Since smoking restores your life, you will never die as long as you run at the slightest hint of danger.

With nowhere to go and no hope of a peaceful death, Lennox is truly the OHR's most tragic hero.