One-on-One With Bob the Hamster
Interviewed by Kingston C. Rockwell

As many in the community will know, Bob the Hamster, mascot to the Official Hamster Republic and everybody's all around favorite hero, recently woke from a coma. I sat down with him earlier this month to find out what he's up to in the aftermath of his horrific shooting.

Kingston C. Rockwell: I guess we should start with the obvious question. How's your recovery gone?
Bob The Hamster: Random random random!
oh
Recovery! That isn't very random, but I'll answer it anyway. I feel pretty good. I still hurt where the doctors took out the pixels, and I am still resting a lot. I just can't believe I was in a coma for slightly over 10 years!
KCR: Well, they may've misinformed you a bit on that one. It was closer to three months.
BOB: Yeah, okay, haha. I know it is 2017. You aren't fooling me. I got enough of the conflicting stories about what happened. James gave me like four or five different explanations of what happened to me, and it turns out they were all wrong.
KCR: Eh, yeah, I may've written one of them. But what was it like, being in a coma? Does one have coma dreams, or is it just like a long, deep sleep?
BOB: Well, I do remember some dreams.
KCR: Would you mind sharing one or two?
BOB: Like this one where I was running from somebody and I hid in this barn that turned out to be a church, and I couldn't padlock it from the inside, and I looked out the window and there were *velociraptors* out there but I wasn't scared because I had the magic pillow that I could hit them with and they would explode but the pillow would explode too so I could only use it once, and the velociraptors kept watching each others backs so I couldn't use it and then potato salad.
KCR: The dream turned into potato salad?
BOB: No, it didn't turn into potato salad, it just potato salad. As in, the intransitive form of the verb "to potato salad"
KCR: Awesome.
BOB: I dunno, it made sense in the dream.
KCR: That's what's great about dreams.
BOB: Yep.
KCR: And this kind of thing went on throughout the coma, or sorta slipped in and out?
BOB: Well, it is all really blurry. I certainly don't remember 10 years worth of dreams. What I remember most clearly is James's voice reading nonsense to me.
KCR: The Epic Marathon entries I take it?
BOB: Crazed conspiracy theories, more like it.
KCR: Sometimes, yes. So what do you plan on doing now that you've woken up? Any wandering in the future? Rather, in the NEAR future.
BOB: Yes, definitely. I am going to use all of James's built up pity to guilt him into working on Wandering Hamster some more. Also I am starring in a new non-OHR side-scroller, but it is moving slower than frozen ubersetzung in a molasses jar in winter, so who knows when that will be ready to see the light of day
KCR: What's your take on Ubersetzung, anyway? Think it'll be ready soon?
BOB: Uh... James was reading over my shoulder and he said "Yes", which means sometime sooner than another decade from now.
KCR: Well, in the few days I've missed due to computer failure, the release certainly looks accelerated. Maybe even by the time this sees print the question'll be irrelevant.
BOB: Okay. Lets talk about Voxumana instead. I think its a dang silly name. But James gets to make them up, so what can I say?
KCR: Well, they all have been fun little silly names. At least they're not boring dates, innit?
BOB: There was a character in Kurt Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle" named Dr. Vox Humana
KCR: Did he talk a lot?
BOB: That was a darn depressing book. I love it up until everything went horribly horribly wrong. And that is all I know about Voxhumana.
Next!
KCR: Well, how's the ol' mallet?
BOB: Oh, ol' mallety was broken in the shooting. I have to get a new one.
KCR: Repair's out of the question?
BOB: Actually, I never got it back. Buford (if that is his real name) still has it in his evidence locker, or somesutch.
KCR: Never did learn that guy's deal.
BOB: Allright, I gotta go. James needs to go to bed, and says he can't sleep over the sound of me gnawing on the keyboard, so I have to log off...
KCR: Then I'll let you go. I'm honored to have had this opportunity.
BOB: And I am flattered by the honoredness.

~Kingston C. Rockwell